CHELM-ON-THE-MED©, MARCH 2012 COLUMN 1

THE PAPER CHASE

There are Russian immigrants who get caught in the jaws of the bureaucracy while trying to prove they are Jews, but Freddy Postovsky is probably the only immigrant forced to prove he's a boy, not a girl. 

Within days of arriving in Israel, the toddler underwent an unscheduled 'sex change' when an Israeli Ministry of Interior clerk registered the new immigrant from Azerbaijan as a girl. The family came back the next morning and told the rushed clerk (who had received father Demitri and mother Diana five minutes before closing time) that she'd made a clerical error, but to no avail: Overnight, the data had been entered in the population registry, and Ministry clerks claimed their hands were tired...making it clear to his parents and grandfather that 'No - pulling down the toddler's pants was not admissible as evidence'.

In an attempt to untie the Gordian Knot, Dr. Lilia Kolkar stepped forward providing a one-of-a-kind one-sentence signed declaration that Freddy was a little boy, not a little girl - but the clerks demanded notarized certification from a lawyer, not a pediatrician...then changed their tune, demanding authorization on paper from the Azerbaijan consul. The pencil pushers only backed off when Freddy's grandfather called the papers instead - sufficing with a copy of Freddy's original birth certificate from Baku.

END OF THE ROAD

Those readers who have viewed The Chelm Project's demo for television are familiar with the $4.5 M. land bridge for wildlife over Kvish 6 – the trans-Israel toll road. But what about wildlife – from deer to skunks that get flattened by passing cars on fourteen other lethal 'red roads' for wildlife throughout the country?  The Society for the Preservation of Nature in Israel judges another 50 land bridges would do the trick.

Such overpasses would drastically reduce the toll in deer struck by cars (94 between 2008-2011*) particularly at the height of the mating season. And, they would give 1,084 jackals, 319 porcupines, 249 field rabbits and countless other wildlife that become road fatality statistics a fighting chance when their source of water and nocturnal abode is arbitrarily separated by a 110 km/hour** six-land divided highway.

Alas, so far, conversationalists have yet to come up with a solution for countless Fan-Fingered Gecko lizards (and other critters) that every winter unwisely choose to doze-off on a toasty-warn and seemingly tranquil sun-bathed patch of asphalt someone in the south of Israel.

* compared to 80,000 collisions with deer in the Washington Metropolitan Area every year.

** 68 mph

LUCKILY, NO END IN SIGHT

Dr. Amir Bukelman, deputy head of ophthalmology at Kaplan Medical Center in Rechovot had just finished operating on Ruth Frish – saving her sight in a lengthy and complex procedure.  Exiting the operating theatre, the tuckered-out surgeon approached her waiting husband to update him on post-op procedures. Luckily, the good doctor took one look at David Frish and dispatched him with heart in mouth, directly to ER.

Frish – who had been suffering from a shallow cough, chest pains, a dry throat and night sweats – was diagnosed in a heartbeat as tottering on the verge of sudden and fatal heart failure from a 99 percent blockage of the main artery to his heart. The keen-eyed ophthalmologist literally saved his life, not just his wife's sight.

MONOPOLY IN THE SUPERMARKET

New regulations will (hopefully) put an end to bullies in the supermarket. 

For six years, large food conglomerates like Ossem, Strauss and Tnuva have been sending an army of stockers to put stuff up on the shelves for the large food chains. The free loaders were a windfall for retail chains and worked splendidly for giant food processors, but penalized small food manufacturers: Such stocking teams simply hogged the best space - grabbing eye-level shelves for their employer's goods, even trespassing on 'territory' reserved by food chains for small producers (who can't afford to hire point-of-sale reps to repulse the squatters)

Now, a new kick-ass reformist director of Israel's Antitrust Authority, TAU Professor David Gilo plans to either shelve free loading as a monopolistic practice, or take criminal action against trespassers, evening the playing field for the little guys. (Globes and Yediot)

CLEAR AS MUD

When Dror Bar Yehuda's family of four found themselves cramped for space, the kibbutznik from Gvulot, decided to built a modest extension to their modest abode: a separate DIY guest unit. Being a recycling aficionado, he and his wife decided on a "village style" design based on mud bricks. Bar-Yehuda, who – believe it or not – serves as construction coordinator for the community, admitted that in fact "the structure planned itself." The outcome –a picture here speaks louder than an thousand words, readers - looks like it was custom-built for the crooked man who walked a crooked mile.  Or a family of African termites...

The kibbutznik said (in all seriousness) that when it's done, the house, will come in handy "when his wife's parents come to visit from Holland" adding that ”Kibbutz Gvulot is laid-back and tolerant of its member's crazy notions." 

Hopefully, the in-laws are just as open-minded or his name will surely be mud. (Yediot Hakibbutz)